Rebuilding.

Rebuilding.

 That is what I am currently doing. As my doctor says, I never gave myself time to grieve my loss of Vermont. I just plowed through, thinking that because I was a righteous "human", I would be able to get over it within a short time frame. wrong. that is wrong. I am supposed to be grieving/rebuilding for roughly 2 years. 2 years! I said....I dont have that sort of time to be miserable and whiny and overall sad. But its true.

The first six months are (and all of this is according to my doctor)...time for you to get settled. Find a place to live, learn your surroundings, branch out a little, but not much, just settling.

The next six are mastering that settling process. Learning the grocery store, learning the traffic, learning areas around your new home, finding friends, starting the rebuilding process. But once again, that isnt until 6 months in! ah.

Then you move onto everything after the first year (which is currently where I am at)...I have learned my surroundings, branched out, met friends, learned (sorta) where the Happenin's are...but still..the grieving. This is when that kicks in....I was supposed to be grieving all along..but no one told me too..so alas, I am now grieving.

That is the hardest part. I have learned for the past six months to move on! move ahead! dont look back! but at the end of the day when I am alone with my thoughts..thats when I have been my saddest. Rebuilding a life at 31 isnt easy. Im not sure how people do it after a divorce, or a severe relocation, or anything else...it is the hardest thing I have ever done....and I am alone.

But each day gets better. Yes, some days I take 414,000,000 steps back, but once again....I am grieving. I know I can always go home to Vermont. I know what is there. But right now, I dont think that this is the right time. I have always been one to not stay. (maybe I have commitment issues)....but I think that there is something else waiting for me... we will see.

I found this photo on a greatly inspirational site called "Purpose Fairy".... It hit me hard:

There are some on there that I am working on....AKA # 10. Wow! Like how do people acutally do that??!!!

The funny thing about my "rebuilding life" is that 99% of my friends here are also rebuilding and finding themselves in Maine/New Hampshire. It is nice to have people that understand. And I am lucky that I have 4 of them by my side.

Have a joyous day!

xoxooxoox

End of day blog.

I have realized in my five days of blogging, that if I put off this little treat til say after 730pm....I am literally in a brain meltdown funk and can not think.

I will recoup and blog bright and early tomorrow morning while holding a delicious cup of Katahdin French Roast Coffee (oh! its from Maine...go local!) and hopefully publishing some photos from my morning stroll on le beach. 

 P.S. Its soo good I took a photo of it.

                                                          Rich, Dark and Intense.... oh joy!

 I also have a ton of fresh ideas to write about....and things I want to share.

That will have to start tomorrow. I am sleepy....also, I am going to start adding (maybe) a photo journal of my year?.... what do you think?

night night!

day #3 on day #4.

Whoops. I really did have all the intention in the world to write yesterday. I even went to my favorite coffee shop....read my favorite fashion blogs to get the wheels spinning..but alas, I was consumed by the fact that "we" (meaning at work) had inventory last night.

Nothing inspirational comes when you have to count a hundred bazillion tshirts until 2 am.

but wait.... something did! And that is what todays post is about! ohh i am so happy to share!

 

8 things every happy woman should have!

I saw this on my favorite fashion blog and thought "what a cute idea"..So I am going to share mine and then you can share with me yours! 

A Go To Drink: 

Tanqueray and Tonic...two limes. 

A Go To Karaoke Song:

"Dont stop Believing"- Journey

"Blue Suede Shoes"- Marc Cohen

"Apple Bottom Jeans" T-Pain (obvi)

A Uniform:

Dolphin laugh.  

A Hair Stylist They Love: 

Mariah Billado...

.ohhh i miss VT and my big blonde beauty 

queen hair....  

An Exercise Routine:

  

TBD. 

#bubblebutt

A Hobby:

TBD. 

#Bubblebutt

   A Best Friend:

Sister: Elise

BFF #1: Angie

BFF #2: Tabby

BFF #3: Aaron

My #lifesavers: Alysha. Jenna. 

A Healthy Sense of Self: 

The journey that I am on. Sometimes (most times) I am all over the place, 

happiness comes and goes, with the ups and downs. But I am moving

in a positive direction to embrace my life and learn to

love what I have and not fret on what I am unable to achieve at this moment. 

Find joy in everyday life. 

Now wasn't that enjoyable. Alright, now it is your turn...write in the comments below what your eight happys are. Men are allowed as well :) Please dont let the comments be blank. That would be sad. And no one likes sad. 

Enjoy your day!

xoxo   

 

Every little thing matters.

Hello and welcome to Day #2.

I know...its late. Like you, I have worked all day and I am exhausted and just want to curl up in my bed and stalk on Instagram. But instead...I have made a promise to myself. And well...Here I AM!

I woke up this morning..... in the happiest place I know. I don't want to get into anything deep right now, if you know me, you know the deal. But those arms, that skin, those kisses, those looks, the scruff, the breathing (ever so lightly but just enough for me to follow), the way our bodies know each other from the past 1.5 years of snuggling...everything about him, owns me. I woke up there. And that matters.

It matters because as of yesterday morning, I was not going to be there. But then Fate happened and VOILA! There I was. Guess that is also what happens when your best friend/love/??? travels for a living.

Leaving him, mattered. This time, unlike so many others, I was optimistic. Lately, I have been attempting to become more positive, with more personal direction. Trying to make the goodbyes not as suicidal. Attempt #1: success! 

Funny thing...love.

Moving on.

I went to work. And you know what?

  Those pretty babies were waiting for me on my desk. (instant tears occurred) That matters.

   Not every time needs to be a goodbye. Not every goodbye needs to be sad. Not everything is going to go according to plan. Life is interesting.  Love is patient. Try to leave a little fun for fate, love and god. They are, after all, the ones who choose. Aren't they? :)

  Goodnight. xooxoxooxoxox

One year. A day in the life.

Today marks my official one (whole) year in Maine. (insert balloons, noise makers, little cupcakes!!)

 I know what you are thinking....as I have asked myself the same question every single day...for the past three hundred and sixty-five...How did I ever make it this long?

Dont get me wrong...there was a while there....well to be more honest (because who doesnt love honesty?) a while was more like 4-6 months....where I seriously contemplated walking striaght into the ocean and never looking back.

You see...I could actually do that....because for a series of horridly terrific months, I lived right on the morid blueness.

I was thinking.... in celebration of not walking into the blue abyss...I was going to do something special. Something amazing. I am on this journey, that some power, some where, thought would be a good idea for me. So I am going to document it. Every day. For a Year.

I wish I had this idea LAST year...as I have gone through a tremendous transformation during my time here in Maine. And would love to have remembered all the days/fun times/rough times/crying fits/screaming fits/outrage/love/hate/revelations/marvels/bottle of wines/dinner parties/ and most of all....moments of insanity...that somehow got me to where I currently am.

But instead.... we shall start today and see next year at this time, what has been accomplished. See.. you never know what will come up/come about, until you are in that moment. I think to myself: there is no possible way that any thing in life can trump last year...but yet ! The biggest moments of my life have yet to be uncovered...... so trumping we shall do!

Here is too a year. in the life. of me. 

Day #1.

(So this is how this "project", as I shall call it, will work. Everyday, I will post a photo(s) that is important to that day. And then post why/who/what/when to clarify and vent.)

Today is a day of new beginnings. I am, of course, bring into this "New Year" allot of baggage from last year. It has been a rough year, to put it mildly. For all of you who know me on a severely personal level, I am sure you can attest to that.

Through all the ups and downs, I some how have come out with a sort-of level head. Mentally, I am wanting everything that I wanted a year ago, when I began this journey. So that hasn't changed...unfortunately. My #1 goal (was) is to let myself fall in love with Maine. And for some retched reason, that is not happening. I think we all might know why, or inside your heads, might be cursing the reason why. But alas, no matter what we come up with, either alone or over numerous bottles of wine, I am still not in love (with Maine).

Maybe I am not supposed to be here. Maybe, that is why. Who knows.

 But I still have at least another 6 months or so before things can change in my current situation. (AKA....job TRANSFER!!!!)  Now I could, potentially, be quite drastic and change it all, which for my mental state probably would be the best bet...if you can guess, I am talking about giving it all up (cutest apt ever/best housemates ever/cool job/new friends) and pack my bags and head back to VT...in hopes to find a super duper job and rekindle my BFF-ship with my darlings, but the reasonable adult side of me says....waiiiiiitttt.....and that is what I am doing. Why? Not too sure. But I trust that the same being that put me here, will know what is right? Man, I am way too nice.

So here I am once again, hoping that something will happen to make me have a quick change of mind. Or a slow getaway. Till then, Ill be watching the leaves change, like they do every year, and getting excited about today's adventure.......helping a 16 year old learn how to drive!

See you tomorrow!

( I am going to be 100% honest in this blog, I am in dire need of personal honesty. Please be kind.)

so i'd like to tell you a little story....

(as per request).....

 My tale of becoming a DJ.


 Ohh that's my logo. Oh I'm fancy, huh? Oh maybe...Jazzy, huh?

Warning: this tale contains an untrackable amount of hard work, dedication, blood (?), sweat, tears, headaches, heartaches, and love. Unconditional love.

Ill try to make this the short version. No guarantees. 

One night, a looooonggg time ago, I was on Facebook chat with a my dear friend of mine, Rachael, discussing how to up my hip-hop quotient. (enter jokes here..) I had just moved to Burlington, woohoo! and I needed to find a niche. We had been going out a lot (helloooo ladies nights !!) and I loved the scene. Then again what 24 year-old newly single girl wouldn't?? We were gabbing about how much I loved sneakers and WHAM! just like that I said "Well I'd be the flyest girl dj with high top Nike's on rockin the clubs" (or something to that extent ....cant really remember but it DID involve Nike's and Deejaying).

Right at the instant,  I left our convo and headed over to "The Lab's" website (The Lab was a Dj and music production school on Church St. run by two amazing men that I forever owe my life too), called the phone number and another WHAM! Lessons were scheduled! Just like that!

I never knew really what I was getting into. I knew I loved music. I knew I wanted to be part of the "scene". I knew I needed to find a hobby. And man those Deejays make it look SO easy! So I signed up.

 To make a seriously LONG story short, fast forward 2 years. Two years of numerous classes with my beloved teacher Zj , numerous practices, numerous begging of other Deejays to help me/teach me/let me practice on their equipment, numerous nights out watching each DJ and their style, trying to find my own. I made hordes of deejay friends, each one of us trying to live our dream. We would live in The Lab all weekend. Wanting to make sure we made our teachers happy with our progress at our next lesson. It was my life. Ask anyone.

             ( Big Rye, Zj and I before a prom)


We had classes, practices, recitals, guest DJ visits. We had Church Street events, clothing store events. We had beat making classes so we could Deejay our own music. We did anything and everything that we could. This was the time.

 But we still couldn't have our own gigs. We weren't ready. We practiced on vinyl, to prove ourselves. No using of computer equipment until AFTER you graduate and were worthy we were told time and time again. Talk about them apples. Old school style.

One day, while walking about the Church Street Marketplace (this will sound familiar), I stumbled into Zinnia's to look at all the pretty jewels. Something caught my eye. A wish necklace? Hmm...I could use a wish or two. So I bought it. It was so pretty. Had the cutest little wishbone hanging from a black string. I made my wish, placed it around my neck, and went about my day.

         (my big bro and I before my dads wedding)



The  necklace over time, turned into a bracelet due to poor managing of the little string, and I wore it for about a year, day in and day out. You can see it nicely in the above picture.

Fast forward again. I had just finished a lesson at The Lab, and was getting into my car when my phone rang. It was ZJ. Weird, I thought, I had just left him.

 "Janet", he says, "I have GREAT news for you!!!!" "Rj's (a local bar) called and they want to do a trial run for a weekly DJ night with Lab kids, and since you and PWYLD (Patrick Wyld, my DJ partner), are over 21, you guys got the spot!!!!"

 I stood there unable to move. What! Wait! Did I just get a gig??!!! Wait. What. How did that happen?! Am I even good?! HOLY S$%$^$^*$*$*!!!!  I screamed! I jumped! I screamed again. He went on to tell me the details...but to be honest I don't really remember, I don't even know if I was listening. I just knew I GOT A GIG!!!!!!!

Phew. Ok. Calm down. I had to get Rachael (yes, the same one from before, ironic), I was house sitting and had to get back. So I drove to pick her up and of course the minute she got into my car I screamed the entire story to her! This was monumental! The best news of my life! I just couldn't contain myself.


____________________________

I still remember the exact moment I realized my bracelet was gone.

We were at an intersection getting on the highway chatting and carrying on about my new-soon -to -be famousness, and in an instant I had remembered that one day, a long time ago, I had made a wish. A wish that would mean more than anything if it ever came true.  A wish to become a DJ, and DJ (once and for all) outside of the Lab.

 I looked down. It was gone. I drew a deep breath. Ok, it HAD to be here somewhere, nope. not in the car. not in the house. not in my sweater. gone. We looked everywhere. gone. A tear fell and said a prayer.

____________________________
I still get goosebumps telling this story. I never found that bracelet. I didn't always believe in fate, or god, or crazy things, but after that moment, I did. Things happen for a reason. Yes, I worked my tail off for that gig. Yes, I spent roughly 1000 hours in that one room learning. Yes, you can say what you want. But that wish came true. My bracelet was gone. Facts are facts. Jazzy Janet was born. The rest is history as they say, and...photos! Welcome to my journey!

Thanks again to all my friends and family that have supported me, gone to everyone of my gigs, and held my hand :) Much love and respect. xoxooxox

oh the joys.

So I went for a run.

I know what you are thinking: "Woah!! Thats Great" "Good Job" "High Five".
(and I thank you for that!!!)

But what you probably don't know is for me to say those words, hell had to be moved, frozen over, whatever you wanna call it. For the close few around me, only they know how sick I have been lately. (please dont start to feel bad.. :)) Unfortunately, the joys of my job(s), the insanity of my life and my go-go-go attitude have finally taken a severe toll on my body. I actually went home sick (gasp!) from work and followed that up with a mental day off. Shocking to me because in all my years working retail I have NEVER taken one single day to myself (minus my granted and lovely 1 maybe 2 days off a week).

My body was done.

I was dizzy, lightheaded, couldn't really focus, walk, talk, look at anyone without wanting to fall over and die in the corner. On top of that, one of my eyes was revolting and decided it was allergic (another gasp!) to my beloved kitty. Thank the heavens for Benadryl!

After almost 2 days of self refocusing, I have come to the conclusion that one cant not be beautiful on the outside without hard work and determination for making the inside just as beautiful. I have been working SO hard on making a career for myself, for proving myself (don't ask to whom....because I dont have the slightiest clue), attempting to find a pathway to figure out my CP and stop its effects,  that I forgot actually FORGOT about me. How could this happen? I have no idea.

Fortunately for me, I was stopped in my tracks. You cant not attempt, believe, or push yourself to utter exhaustion and think that you will still go on, that's crazy. I was running on empty. Below empty. It was the same everyday, work ALL day, go home, attempt to sleep, worry about work, wake up, still worrying about work, go to work, work, and repeat....this cycle has been going on the 3 months. It makes me tired just thinking about it. So, I stopped it. Plain and simple. goodbye. goodbye insanity. hello Janet.

For those who truly know me, this should be an eye opener. When have I ever cared enough to stop working? .....never. But I am now. I am turning the big 30! eeek! And as cliche as it is : Life is too short. YOLO. Carpe Diem. So on and so forth.

So I went for a run. and I RAN! (with the help of Usher....swoon) up and down the hills of Burlington. Ridding my body of this hate that I have caused to build up inside me. Ridding myself of the exhaustion and dependency on coffee to make me function everyday. I ran hard. and I almost fell to the ground. But I was happy. I was alive. and FROM NOW ON: no more hate. no more unneeded stress. no more living life to make a name for myself while killing myself. Goodbye negative. Hello Positive.