I know what you are thinking....as I have asked myself the same question every single day...for the past three hundred and sixty-five...How did I ever make it this long?
Dont get me wrong...there was a while there....well to be more honest (because who doesnt love honesty?) a while was more like 4-6 months....where I seriously contemplated walking striaght into the ocean and never looking back.
You see...I could actually do that....because for a series of horridly terrific months, I lived right on the morid blueness.
I was thinking.... in celebration of not walking into the blue abyss...I was going to do something special. Something amazing. I am on this journey, that some power, some where, thought would be a good idea for me. So I am going to document it. Every day. For a Year.
I wish I had this idea LAST year...as I have gone through a tremendous transformation during my time here in Maine. And would love to have remembered all the days/fun times/rough times/crying fits/screaming fits/outrage/love/hate/revelations/marvels/bottle of wines/dinner parties/ and most of all....moments of insanity...that somehow got me to where I currently am.
But instead.... we shall start today and see next year at this time, what has been accomplished. See.. you never know what will come up/come about, until you are in that moment. I think to myself: there is no possible way that any thing in life can trump last year...but yet ! The biggest moments of my life have yet to be uncovered...... so trumping we shall do!
Here is too a year. in the life. of me.
Day #1.
(So this is how this "project", as I shall call it, will work. Everyday, I will post a photo(s) that is important to that day. And then post why/who/what/when to clarify and vent.)
Today is a day of new beginnings. I am, of course, bring into this "New Year" allot of baggage from last year. It has been a rough year, to put it mildly. For all of you who know me on a severely personal level, I am sure you can attest to that.
Through all the ups and downs, I some how have come out with a sort-of level head. Mentally, I am wanting everything that I wanted a year ago, when I began this journey. So that hasn't changed...unfortunately. My #1 goal (was) is to let myself fall in love with Maine. And for some retched reason, that is not happening. I think we all might know why, or inside your heads, might be cursing the reason why. But alas, no matter what we come up with, either alone or over numerous bottles of wine, I am still not in love (with Maine).
Maybe I am not supposed to be here. Maybe, that is why. Who knows.
But I still have at least another 6 months or so before things can change in my current situation. (AKA....job TRANSFER!!!!) Now I could, potentially, be quite drastic and change it all, which for my mental state probably would be the best bet...if you can guess, I am talking about giving it all up (cutest apt ever/best housemates ever/cool job/new friends) and pack my bags and head back to VT...in hopes to find a super duper job and rekindle my BFF-ship with my darlings, but the reasonable adult side of me says....waiiiiiitttt.....and that is what I am doing. Why? Not too sure. But I trust that the same being that put me here, will know what is right? Man, I am way too nice.
So here I am once again, hoping that something will happen to make me have a quick change of mind. Or a slow getaway. Till then, Ill be watching the leaves change, like they do every year, and getting excited about today's adventure.......helping a 16 year old learn how to drive!
See you tomorrow!
( I am going to be 100% honest in this blog, I am in dire need of personal honesty. Please be kind.)
Life is a journey. Some of which is good and other times, not so much.
ReplyDeleteReflecting is soulful to life. Necessary for ridding of the grief and exhaustion. Cleansing. A judgement of self, if you will. What is wrong with things? What is my gut telling me?? Trust. What adjustments can/must I make to find an inner peace within my hectic life. What do I need to do to find this (new) path? Most of the times, nothing. Sitting and being quiet is hard for many. What lessons have I learned? Hobbies, walks, activities to keep physically active for more endos(and burning off negative energy) and finding beauty in small things are easily overlooked in daily lives. I have had to push myself to learn new things and new people.
Personal qualities and talents are treasured. I find that my health, beauty, energy, vivaciousness, intelligence, socialablity, writing and listening cannot be overlooked. These are my stepping stones to my future, which is what I make of it.
Honestly, that is love.
Mom, you write so well.
ReplyDeleteI would love to read more. Write to me everyday :) :)
Love you.
This is absolutely beautifully you. Elequent, yet brutally honest like only you can do.
ReplyDeleteYour momma is SO right, life is a journey. And this has not been so good for you. I am saddened by it yet at the same time, you never know if ita going to work if you don't give it a try. And try you have kiddo. I am sorry that I abaondoned you (unintentionally of course because lets face it you are my sister from another mister!).
Lifes a dance you learn as you go and without trying yo would have always been wondering, what if.... that being said, you are always meant to be wherw you are for however long, its all part of the "master plan" helping to mold and shape you, to help you grow and really graso life by the balls.
You write just as beautifully as your mother does. Keep writing, its a healthy way of purging it all out (along with wine lol).
♥